I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
