Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize