May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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