i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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