god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize