he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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