I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
