Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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