dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
