My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
