well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
