i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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