I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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