my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
