he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
