Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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