I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
