oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
