How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
