I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
