Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
