when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
