you're like a bully in the Christmas story
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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