he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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