when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
