true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
