Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
