I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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