So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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