I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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