I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
