Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
