3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
