Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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