ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
