I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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