I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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