I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
