I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
