I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
