just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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