Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
