I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
