I wish you could order shots online.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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