Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
