i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
