I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
