we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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