I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
