I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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