Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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