never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
