Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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