I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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