Umm I'm too high to move.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there was a trapeze. enough said
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
