remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
