I'm drive I can fine osifer
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
