the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
