I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
false alarm. still invincible.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize