woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
