it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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