wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
how drunk are you?
Several
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
