you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
