I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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