I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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