Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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