I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
