im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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