sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
