Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
