How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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