On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
